


meant to fall in love (not meant to last)

by Princess_of_the_Pen



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Hurt No Comfort, KenHina mentioned, M/M, No editing we die like mne, Not Canon Compliant, Past Hinata Shouyou/Kageyama Tobio, Past Relationship(s), Post-Break Up, Was i ever enough?, also implied past kageyama/kindaichi, but both boys are still sad at the end, but then hinata broke up with kageyama and started dating kenma, hinata and kageyama use to date, hinata is bad with words, it's really not that serious, kind of, now kageyama wants to know why, one sided kagehina - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-04
Updated: 2020-11-04
Packaged: 2021-03-09 05:22:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,702
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27389419
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Princess_of_the_Pen/pseuds/Princess_of_the_Pen
Summary: “Kageyama-”“You don’t have to. There’s a reason you left me, right?”“I didn’t…” Hinata didn’tleavehim. Only he kind of did. He was the one who started the conversation. Themaybe we shouldn’tconversation. Thetime apartconversation. Thebetter off as friendsconversation. But! Kageyama had agreed! It was a mutual decision! He was fine with it! Wasn’t he?“Didn’t what?” And there was this lilt to Kageyama's voice. A spark that wasn’t there before. Something hopeful.Oh no.~~~HQ Angst Week Day 2Prompts:  Phone calls/Text | Insecurity | “Was I ever enough?”
Relationships: Hinata Shouyou & Kageyama Tobio, Hinata Shouyou/Kageyama Tobio, Hinata Shouyou/Kozume Kenma
Comments: 5
Kudos: 57
Collections: Haikyuu Angst Week 2020





	meant to fall in love (not meant to last)

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote the majority of this on November 2nd but then procrastinated the last couple of paragraphs so it's technically late >.<
> 
> Sorry if there's some past-present tense changes, I tried to catch them all.
> 
> I imagine this place during their second or third year.

_**Not ev** _ _**erything is meant to be, but everything is worth a try** _ _**  
** _ _**-Unknown** _

“ _Was I ever enough?_ ”

The question almost made Hinata drop his phone. It’s sudden and random and makes no sense. Kageyama rarely ever called him and this was the last thing Hinata expected when he finally did.  
  
“I- uh- what?” Hinata stuttered and immediately wanted to smack himself. Despite popular opinion, Hinata wasn’t very good with words. Gestures and sound affects and compliments were his strong suits but when it came to _emotion_ … yeah he’d cry but a _talk_? Those tended not to go so well.  
  
“Was I ever enough?” Kageyama asked again. His voice was choked, his words breathy like wind forced through a small tube. Hinata could hear the stuffy nose and hoarse voice typically associated with a certain action, but his brain refused to create the picture.

_Crying_. That was the sound of _crying_ but Hinata couldn’t even begin to imagine it. _Kageyama? Crying? No way._

“As a setter?” Kageyama continued. “A friend? A boyfriend?”

“Of course!”

No hesitation. Maybe Hinata wasn’t always the best at expressing himsekf but he wasn’t stupid. He didn’t need to think to know that Kageyama was more than enough. A genius setter, his best friend, and… yeah.

His brain worked over time, trying to connect dots he couldn’t see. Kageyama was insecure, no doubt about it. Most of Karasuno had figured that out by now. But he was a quiet type of insecure. A _stuck in my head_ type of insecure. Not a _let me call you out of the blue and cry to you about it_ insecure. 

_God. Crying. Kageyama was crying._

Hinata waited for a reply but got nothing more than an earful of sniffling and choked out sobs. His white knuckled grip on his phone tightened and his chest squeezed painfully. Should he be saying more?

“You’re an amazing setter! Your sets are always perfect and it’s so cool when the ball just appears in front of my hand like magic! When we do the freak quick it just goes _whoosh_ through the air and then _bam!_ the spike’s landed before I even realized I hit it! And uh- uuuuhhh… you’re my best friend! Sometimes you’re grumpy and mean but you’re always trying to push me to be better, and y’know. _Together we’re invincible_ , right? We’re an amazing team!”

Hinata let out a breath at the end of his ramble. It was a bit messy and everywhere but he thought he did a pretty good job. Kageyama’s sobs weren’t as loud, reduced to a few scattered hiccups. It sound like he was holding his breath, something Hinata knew from personal experience did nothing to stop the tears. He imagined Kageyama was doing it to hear him better. To listen and internalize his words. Maybe he’d feel better.

  
  
“… and…” Kageyama croacked after a silence that lasted a beat too long.

And? And what?

The silence stretched once more, and Hinata imagined it as some type of monster. Something large and carnivorous, taking a big stretch after a long nap and ready to devour him.

Finally Kageyama gave a tiny, humorless chuckle. The sound rattled in Hinata’s head, making his guts twist and knot. He heard that laugh before, straight from his own mouth. He made the same laugh after a certain nationals game, sitting on a bench in the medical station, a tablet from a friend clenched in his hands. The laugh of utter defeat.

“So I’m a good setter? And good friend? That’s it?”

  
  
In the silence, Hinata noticed that Kageyama wasn’t crying anymore. Just sniffing. Hinata didn’t take it as any type of success cause Kageyama sounded dead inside and that was so much worse.

“Um… yeah… uh…”

  
  
And then Hinata remembered the question.

  
  
 _Was I ever enough? As a setter? A friend?_ **_A boyfriend?_ **

  
  
Oh. _Oh._

“Kageyama-”

“You don’t have to. There’s a reason you left me, right?”

“I didn’t…” Hinata didn’t _leave_ him. Only he kind of did. He was the one who started the conversation. The _maybe we shouldn’t_ conversation. The _time apart_ conversation. The _better off as friends_ conversation. But! Kageyama had agreed! It was a mutual decision! He was fine with it! Wasn’t he?

“Didn’t what?” And there was this lilt to Kageyama's voice. A spark that wasn’t there before. Something hopeful.

  
  
 _Oh no_.

Hinata stammered, brain flooding with all the ways he could end that sentence that would make Kageyama sounds like that.

  
  
_I didn’t mean it._

_I didn’t actually want to break up._

_I didn’t want to end it._

Hinata couldn’t say any of those things. He _did_ want to break up. He already moved on. He was dating Kenma now. He was happy.

But he couldn’t say what he was actually thinking either.

“…Sho?”

An agonizing pain stabbed Hinata in the chest so suddenly, Hinata could do nothing but let out a sharp gasp and try not to drop his phone. Tears stung at the corner of his eyes and heat burned its way through his veins. He wondered if Kageyama could hear the shatter of his heart through the phone. _Sho_ … Kageyama hadn’t called himt that since… since.

“Kags…”

“Do you want to-”

“I’m sorry.” And oh how the tables turned. Now Hinata was the one gasping and sobbing and choking on his words. “I’m _so_ sorry.”

  
  
He was sorry cause he wasn’t sorry. How had he delusioned himself into thinking that their breakup was mutual? That Kageyama was okay with it? Sure, Kageyama had taken it well. He didn’t scream or cry, didn’t seem angry or sad, didn’t try to convince him to stay. Had simply said “oh” and “if that’s what you want” and “see you tomorrow, I guess” before walking out of the clubhouse. He seemed normal the next day in practice, too. But Kageyama was a quiet type of insecure. Hinata knew that.

_Hinata knew that_.

And yet.

Yet.

If Hinata had a chance to go back and change his decision, he wouldn’t. Cause he did want to break up. And he was happy now.

“Oh,” Kageyama said, and Hinata wondered how he was able to do that: turn the emotion in his voice on and off.

“Kageyama, listen to me,” Hinata said, desperately taking gasps of air. He had to get himself under control. He had to say this. “You weren't a bad boyfriend. You were not! We just… our dynamic is better off as friends, y’know?”

  
  
“ _Why?_ What did I do wrong?”

“Nothing! You didn’t do anything wrong! It was-” Hinata cut himself off and choked on another sob, then gave a frustrated groan. He was dangerously close to the cliche “It’s not you, it’s me.” But how do you tell someone that not only was they enough - they were too much?

Hinata and Kageyama’s relationship had always been intense. That’s what they were. They fought and built and fell and climbed and raced to the top together. Pushing and shoving to get ahead and every now then, turning back and taunting the other to remind them exactly what they were racing towards.

But sometimes Hinata didn’t want to race.

Sometimes he wanted to play. Sometimes he wanted to relax.

Hinata did enjoy having Kageyama as a boyfriend. Just as he wouldn’t change breaking up with him, he wouldn’t change dating him either. It just got tiring after a while. They couldn’t take a walk together without seeing who could take 3 laps around the duck pond faster, couldn’t go out to dinner without choking over who could finish their food first, couldn’t take a lazy day without betting who would crack and reach for a volleyball first.

It was nothing Hinata could’ve predicted. He always had someone to prove wrong and always rushed to prove them wrong as soon as possible. Wanting to relax simply wasn’t in his nature. But then he would hit a low point and found himself not wanting to be pushed forward. He didn’t want someone bragging about getting ahead of him, and that was Kageyama’s sole comforting method. It was a damn good motivator and got Hinata out of his ruts faster, but in the moment it just hurt.

Hinata couldn’t even celebrate his achievements without being reminded that Kageyama was still miles ahead.

So, yeah, he got tired. And he found comfort in another boy. A boy who liked lazy days, and who would go on walks - not runs - with him even when he didn’t particularly want to go outside, and who would reach for a volleyball first if he knew it would make Hinata feel better but would also be perfectly happy to not touch one at all. A boy who comforted him by going out his way to give Hinata a tablet to watch the competition, and did so without making Hinata feel bad about falling behind. A boy who would set for him if Hinata begged, who Hinata could play a leisurely game of volleyball with as often as he played competitive ones.

And there was a spark in this boy. One that Hinata had so much fun stoking. It was amazing to not to always feel like you were falling behind. Like you were pulling your partner ahead as much as they were pulling you. That was a hard feeling to get with a prodigy.

Ok. Maybe Hinata was a quiet type of insecure too. But that was on him, not on Kageyama. Him breaking up with Kageyama wasn’t any type of commentary of the taller boy. It didn’t mean Kageyama was a bad boyfriend or that he wasn’t enough! Surely Kageyama knew that…

“…You left me,” Kageyama said, bringing Hinata back to the moment and making him all too aware of how long he had fallen silent. Kageyama’s voice was so quiet that Hinata could barely hear him over his own hiccups. “You promised you wouldn’t but then you did. Just like Kunimi. Just like _Kindaichi_.”

While Kageyama never confirmed nor denied, Hinata had always suspected that there had been something between Kageyama and his old teammate. There was too much hostility between them, hostility that burned hotter than that between him and Kunimi despite the circumstance supposedly being the same.

“Is that what this is about? Did Kindaichi say something to you?”

“He’s always saying something. It’s funny: for someone who claims not to care about me at all, he always goes out of his way to say something to me.”

“Kageyama-”

“Whatever. It doesn’t matter. I don’t know why I called.”

“Whatever he said to you isn’t true!”

“Heh. Of course it is, Boke. Not even you could love me.”

“I did you love! I still do!” _As my best friend_.

“Don’t lie for my sake. Kozume-san won’t like that.”

“Kage-!”

“Sorry for bothering you. See you tomorrow, I guess.”

The line went dead.

Well. Kageyama always knew exactly where to hit to make it hurt.

Maybe Hinata should’ve called back. Explained himself better. Actually said the thoughts in his head, rather than getting lost in them and leaving Kageyama with nothing but silence. Maybe he could’ve figured out how to tell Kageyama why he wanted to break up without hurting him. Explain how in the end Hinata had finally learned that he did in fact have a limit to his energy, and the only way he found that out was by running alongside someone faster than himself. Maybe he could’ve said that Kageyama wasn’t _too much_ but rather _too good_ , and deserved a prodigy that could push him like he pushed Hinata. Someone who could keep up with him cause it wasn’t a proper race if there was no real competition.

Maybe, maybe, maybe.

But Hinata wasn’t there anymore. He wasn’t in his room, laying on his bed, numb fingers a vise on his phone. No, he was in the past, on a certain day, swallowing his fear and taking the plunge.

_“KageyamaIthinkweshouldbreakup!”_

_The rush of words came out as a squeak. They were in the clubhouse, alone, the rest of team having already changed and gone home for the night. The team had left with winks and nudges because it wasn’t the first time Hinata and Kageyama had stalled and been the last to leave, only to show up to morning practice with suspicious bruising and a stiff gait._

_“What?” Kageyama asked, pulling a shirt out of his bag. And yeah, it was ridiculous that Kageyama was still shirtless. It was his message to Hinata, a not-so-subtle way of saying “my parents are gone for the night. Come over?” Depending how fast Hinata packs up his bag to leave is Hinata’s answer._

_Hinata’s bag was already packed and slung over one shoulder. Hinata had no plans on going to Kageyama’s tonight. It was Thursday and he had homework to do and his mom wouldn’t let him buy a train ticket to Tokyo before he finished it._

_Really, he didn’t plan on going to Kageyama’s ever again. At least, not for the reasons Kageyama wants him to come over._

_“I said…” Hinata said slowly this time. His heart pounded so hard it felt more like a repeated stabbing than a regular beat. “I said that I think we should break up.”_

_Kageyama froze. Every muscle tensed, his eyes became blanked, his lips thinned. Hinata shifted his weight from foot to foot, waiting. He wanted to do something. Wanted to smooth out the furrow of Kageyama’s brow, wanted to massage the tension out of his muscles, wanting to draw out that smile existed so rarely but existed all the same._

_But he couldn’t. While Hinata didn’t exactly know breakup protocol, he was 100% certain that physical comfort wasn’t a part of it._

_“I just- y’know?” Hinata said instead. Maybe he couldn’t hug him but he could soothe, right? “I just think we make such perfect friends and I’m kind of worried that us dating is starting to affect us on the court. You’ve been getting soft on me, heh heh. And uh, maybe break up is too strong a term? Maybe we can just take some time apart? Like, y’know, a couple months? How will I ever surpass you if I’m always with you, right? Gotta have a little surprise…” He slowly petered off because he was rambling and Kageyama still hadn’t moved a muscle. Yeah. That was real soothing, wasn’t it?_

_“Kageyama…?” Hinata said warily when minutes - or was it hours? - later and Kageyama still gave no response. The taller boy rung his shirt between his hands a few times before quickly pulling it over his head._

_“Oh.” His voice was muffled by the fabric over his face. “Oh, okay.”_

_“Okay?” It wasn’t what Hinata expected. He expected an upset “why” or a light “stop joking” or a serious “that’s not funny.” He expected cursing and anger and yelling._

_He didn’t expect “Oh. Oh, okay.”_

~~_He also didn’t expect tears. He never expected tears._ ~~

_Hinata gut twisted at the lack of resistance. Did Kageyama want to break up too? Since when? How long had they been together when neither of them wanted to be?_

_Kageyama’s shirt was on now. Hinata banished the nauseating thought that the reason Kageyama hadn’t broken up with him earlier was because of the physical benefits of being together._

_“Yeah, if that’s what you want.” Kageyama gave a laugh that had once sounded real, but in retrospect was just as empty and humorless as his laugh tonight. “Lets be real, we both knew this wasn’t forever. “ He quickly shoved the rest of his belong in his bag and strapped it around himself. He headed for the door._

_“Kageyama, wait!”_

_Wait for what, Hinata didn’t know. But he did know that this didn’t feel right. It felt too easy, the way Kageyama gave in so quickly. He should’ve been happy: Kageyama was respecting his decision and letting him go. But Hinata wasn’t 100% confident about this decision and it gnawed on him how fast Kageyama surrendered. Maybe their relationship was just physical…_

_Kageyama didn’t wait. Hinata wished he did. He pushed open the door, head hung low, refusing to look back._

_“See you tomorrow, I guess,” he muttered._

_Then he was gone._

**Author's Note:**

> Should I write a second part from Kageyama's point of view? Or rather this same point from his perspective?


End file.
